"Who Gon Check Me Boo?"

Oi, this bitch is ten kinds of pissed off. I am shaking all the way down to my weave I am so angry. Who the fuck gave that bitch the right to do what she does? Now before this bitch goes off his rocker, lets play a little catch up so you know what I'm bitching about. One of my supposed "best friends" stabbed me in the back, which I suppose isnt much of a surprise. So I cut ties with her. Then one of her little friends decides to come at me, and I about clawed the shit outta him. Bitch should know better than to mess with my inner black woman. Well a big ol scene went down and this bitch almost DID get into a fight. I literally did have to be held back. I can only say this to you bitch. Who gon check me boo? You aint gonna do shit. This bitch is a senior, and about to leave yo stupid ass. And for the record? i know every single damn thing you say about me. This bitch has eyes and ears everywhere, including in my weave. I literalyy could npt give two fucks less about you and your drama. You just keep burning your bridges until your stuck on your own damn private island, and watch me laugh in your face.

Signing off lovelies!-XoXo

"Vacations All I Ever Wanted!"

This bitch has been taking a break to give my brain a rest! But don't worry. The bitch is back, and he's ready to serve some tea! Where to start? A lot or nonsense went down in a very short time. I guess I'll start with my weekend. So I was on a trip to the mall dubbed the "Trip of Inspiration" by my crazy ass friend Jacob. That boy was on a mission! He was determined to get me some guys number before we left. Boy is goddamned crazy if he think I'm gonna talk to some boy on my own. This bitch is SHY. Well, we decided to go to Dillards and ride the escalator, because we're just that amazing. This amazingly cute guy working the makeup counter, and Jacob told me he was checking my ghetto booty out! Well, true to form I started stammering like a crackwhore in withdrawal when he ordered me to go talk to him. This bitch does NOT work well under pressure. IIII am an acquired taste. Well I chickened out and we left the store, no number. Just before we started leaving, in a rare fit of bravery I decided to go back and ask for his number. And lo and behold, guess who's taken? Thats ok though, I didnt want to be the Monica Lewinsky to his Bill Clinton. I am NOONES second choice.

On a side note, I swear to the sassy black woman living up in the sky that Jacob is the gayest straight boy I have ever seen. He dragged Brenda and I into EVERY womens clothing store he can find. He was determined to put the poor girl into something more girly than what she usually wears. He even picked out every outfit, down to the shoes. He makes this bitch looks straight!

Signing off lovelies! -XoXo

Things I'd Rather Do Instead of Work Today

This bitch is feeling lazy today. I don't wanna work, at all. So I will make a list of the top ten things I'd rather do instead of work

1) Get up and do the Macarena. EYYYYY MACARENA!
2) Do my best Amy Winehouse impression. Got my own crack lighter and everything
3) Smoke coffee
4) Throw up after attempting to smoke coffee
5) Attempt to fit my fat ass into extremely small spaces
6) Give Helen Keller fashion advice
7) Play in traffic
8) Get fingered by Wolverine
9) Cat fight with an irritable mongoose
10) Write another ten things I'd rather do
11) Memorize every Disney song ever written
12) Write a blog about the best ways to attenpt to smoke coffee
13) Actually GET that weave I keep talking about having
14) Dress up in drag an do the hula
15) Get married to myself, Sue Sylvester style
16) Sing at my own wedding and boo myself off the stage
17) Smoke more coffee out of depression at my lack of talent
18) Throw up after said attempt to smoke coffee
19) Dress up in drag and scale the walls of the Emperors palace to save China
20) Cry because I'm out of things to do, and am forced to work.

On a separate note, I am tired as hell. So tack that on to my list. Sleep away 17 years of eye bags!

Signing off, lovelies! -XoXo

"Hit The Lights"

There be interesting things afoot going on at this bitches school. The lights just went DEAD. Not sure what happened, but the emergency power just cut on. I about lost my damn hearing too, with all the girls screaming like Jason or Freddy or some shit was gonna come in the room. My weave about flew off with all the high pitched screaming in the rooms and halls. They sound like me when I found out that Ms Juliet Simms lost The Voice! Poo boo boo got the shaft. I wouldn't have minded if any of them had one, EXCEPT THE ONE THAT DID. That whiny little bitch made want to throw something across the room. This grown ass MARRIED man was a bigger bitch than most of the female contestants on the show. Put this bitches vag to shame, let me tell ya. Ah well Juliet, you'll always be the voice in this bitches big ol ass! I'd say heart, but my ass is bigger. One to many pancakes and enough Pepsi will do that to ya.

On a separate note, apparently we have all decided to act our shoe sizes and not our age this week. Bitches must have some small feet, from the shit I've been seeing flung this week.

Sigining off lovelies! -Xoxo

"Single Ladies!"

This bitch is feeling feisty today! Sorry to my lovelies for taking so long to post, but oh lord has this weekend been hectic! A bit of hell in an incredibly stylish Prada handbag. A) This bitch turns legal in 11 days! Gotta make preparations cuz I be heading to the club to get my dance on! Be warned, if you see what looks like a hooker dancing without a pole, its probably me. B) After much indecision and back and forth, I am single! It makes this bitches weave droop, but it was for the best. He needs to pull his shit together, and so do I. On a lighter note, the hooker will be out in full force! Beware ladies, I be stealing your menfolk. C) Graduation. Oh lord in heaven, I will be a motherf****** high school graduate come June. That shits stressful. I gotta pass my damn math class, and the only math this bitch can do involves counting the days since my last period so I know I didnt miss it. And yes, I am a boy, but that dont mean I dont got a cycle like everyone else! Us bitches hang out together long enough, and we tend to sync. You lady readers know, I'M sure.

On a separate note, my history teachers a whiny bitch who didn't come in today because his baseball team lost. Pouty bitch. Signing off lovelies! -XoXo

"Morning Dessert"

Oh my Jesus on high! This bitch just got back from seeing the Avengers movie, and I have never seen one movie packed with so many fine ass men! Had me imagining what was going on under those super suits. I wouldn't mind having Thors hammer, Captain Americas shield, and the Hulk(Teehee)! Oh, I am naughty! Nah, this bitch is already giving his morning dessert to someone else, and he knows who he is! He's my fabulous super hero!

On a separate note, this bitch has to mow three lawns tomorrow. Please god, kill me now. Who do I need to sleep with to get out of this??? At least I'll have Captain America muscles!

Signing off, lovelies! -XoXo

"Fight Like A Girl"

Ok, so this bitch has a rant to give. I've been teased and tormented for years about my sexuality, I can deal with that. But what really gets my weave in a knot is when they think I can't take care of myself if I get literally pushed around. Underneath the manicure and perfectly coiffed hair, this kitty has claws. I can fight like a girl, and I don't mean it in the way boys mean it. I mean it in the way us btches need it. We bite, kick, and claw, and we are NOT afraid to fight dirty. Us bitches are fierce, and we have no problem getting vicious. So the next time you try to run me over on my way to school, think about who your messing with jerk offs. This bitch actually knows how to hold his own if push comes to shove.

On a separate note, my little gay heart is drooling over the most delicious cookie I ever had the pleasure to consume, I want another!

Signing off lovelies! -XoXo

"Greta Garbo, and Monroe, Dietrich and Dimaggio"

I miss old school Hollywood glamour, I really do. Not just because this bitch is a typical Marilyn-Aubrey-Marlon-Vivian-Clark obsessed gay. I miss the fact that women dressed to the nines (and sixes, and sevens, and eights, couldnt help the Evita quote!)before going out in public. Nowadays dressed for public means throwing some Gucci shades over your hangover eyes and putting on your sluttiest outfit to distract everyone from the fact that you look like a hot tranny mess (I'm looking at you, Miss Lohan!). Did you see Marilyn ever step out looking less than her very best? No. Did Aubrey ever go out in booty shorts? Hell no! They knew how to be ladies (in the strrets, at least!) Don't even get me started on the men. When Pauly D, whose name I can't even type without crying inside, replaced Marlon Brando or Gene Kelly as what passes for a man, I mourn the changing of the world in some ways. I miss zoot suits men who looked like men. Not little girly boys. Bring old school Hollywood back!

On a separate note, I am stuffed to the brim with grits and other southern goodness! The Yankee in me is ashamed, but the black girl in me loves it!

Signing off, lovelies! -XoXo

"I Won't Teach your Boyfriend How to Dance With You"

....and praise the lord in heaven that my Foods and Nutrition teacher wont either. I love Miss Gardner only like one black woman can love another, and this white boys inner black woman loves her very much. But my oh my, I honestly hope that she never dances in front of me again. She just put on Miss Gladys Knights "Midnight Train" and that woman started to jam out! Right in front of the whole class she was shaking her groove thing. You gotta admire her confidence, most teachers wouldn't be caught dead dancing and singing by their students. But please please please miss thing, do NOT leave your day job. Love ya Miss G<3. Signing off lovelies! -XoXo

"I See You've Met my Faithful Handyman"

Or handy people rather. You havent met them yet either, but trust me lovelies, you will! These crazy bitches I call friends always give me something to talk about. I'm gonna be dropping names a lot, so you better have something to look back to, cuz I am NOT explaining who each person is post after post. Hell to the nah. So here you go, keep up, cuz this bitch is NOT repeating himself.

Brenda- she's my head bitch. One of my best squirrel friends. This bitch is sarcastic and quirky, and has a temper. She's always good for stirring the pot.

Kirsten-Blonde. Need I say more? One of my very best friends though, she's the bitch you love to hate!

Shannon- Jersey blonde. Nuff said.

Harley- your token goth girl, but with a Disney channel personality. I call ber Goth in A Box.

Logan-my best guy friend, and my only gay guy friend. All the rest become more than friends ;) but hes great! A regular Harriet Homemaker. He can cook, he can sew, he can watch kids. What CANT he do?

Jessica-she goes through men like some incredibly ill girls go through tissues. I love her, but I am quite sick of her man drama. She's a good friend though. No 100% hating. :) love ya girl!

Ashley-our arch nemesis, shes like a gross, unhygenic Regina George. We HATE HER, remember that lovelies :).

Doubtless I'm forgetting someone, but this bitch s popular, cant keep everyone in his head at once:) I hope you enjoy hearing about my little escapades! Signing off lovelies! -XoXo

"That's Miss Jackson, if you please"

Yes, the bitch is here! Miss(ter) Taylor Seymour. i may not be as famous or as fabulous as one Miss Janet Jackson, but I am just as fierce and I WILL be just as famous. Let this bitch tell you a little about himself. I was born and raised in Massachusetts, and had my happy ass carted down here in 6th grade. I'm a senior in high school now. I came out of my poor mommas vagina on May 19, 1994. I'm a theater queen to the core, and cannot wait to be a struggling actor. Anyhow, on to the point! This blog is my view on the shit going on in my life. And with my dysfunctional family, crazy ass friends, and all the drama involved with both there is shit that goes down, trust me. I have no problem naming names and throwing shade. I guess I'm just a regular Taylor (pun intended) Swift. Hope you have a lovely time reading my blog! Signing off! -XOXO